Failing to notice that I fail to notice

It disturbs me to think I remember nothing about my childhood. I blame myself, my quiet, solically awkward personality... my parents. I try not to regret anything, but I do regret that my parents gave me too much independence and rarely asked any questions: How are you? What's going on at school? How was volleyball practice? Boys? Are you thinking about college?

However, I realize I'm not alone. When we "remember" events, grade school, family vacations, we can only describe maybe a few events (we traveled by car to see my aunt... I played tee ball in the nearby town... I snuck (sneaked) out of my house to see a boy...) as well as the general emotion (it was a great trip!... I had a lot of fun!... Best year ever!...) To remember, we must recall ever moment, event, conversation, emotion. This is merely impossible.

I think our inability to "remember" everything not only applies to our childhood but to the present as well. What did you do this weekend? Why does it take a few minutes to remind ourselves of things that happened 2 days ago?

The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds. - R.D. Laing

When reading a book, don't you hate it when you've skipped a few pages/paragraphs and totally can't remember a thing it says? We've read those paragraphs... we just don't know it. We've experienced "reading" but just are aware of the words.

Deja vue?

This is a part of the reason why I've started this blog. Its easy for me to block out times and events, especially if its an unpleasant or unwanted experience. This is my attempt to be aware of my life. Its my attempt to be more sensitive of others. So often I fail to notice my shortcomings, my selfishness, my own brokenness. Shamefully, I find myself purposefully failing to notice the hurts of others, the burdens, the depression, the injustice.

I can no longer let failing to notice or that I fail to notice that I fail to notice be an excuse.

Liberation

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is out light, not our darkness, that most frighten us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We all are meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within is. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson

Angellia the anit-Chef

I always knew I couldn't cook... much. I just had the worst experience. I'm so proud of E who can bake so many delicious goods without ingredients she's usually would require... I'm so impressed with K's ability to well... eat Georgian food. :) The same stuff over and over and over again... I'm always amazed at J's house dinners where she cooks for 4+ people and its never hamburger helper or hamburgers... its stuffed banana peppers or eggplant lasagna - made from scratch... probably food she got from the Farmer's Market!

As for me, I have a hard time cooking for 1 or 2 people with simple things coming out of a bag or box. Take cornbread for example. It all started around 6pm today. You are supposed to have black eyed peas and cornbread for good luck for the New Year(Granny says so). So I decided tonight was a good night for some good luck. The peas were easy. Can. The cornbread should have been easy. Bag. Add 1 egg and 2/3 cup of milk (which I stopped by the grocery to get some for this purpose).

Preheated the over. Mixed everything up. Greased pan. Poured into pan. Oven is ready. Open oven door. Before I knew it: cornbread mix all over the floor, oven, oven door, and pots underneath the oven. Crap.

Angry at myself, I waited for the oven to cool off and 30 minutes later, no more cornbread mix.

As any East Texas girl would, I had an extra cornbread packet on hand. Same routine. Now, the oven is ready. Carefully, I placed the pan into the oven.... 13 minutes later (the bag said 15 minutes, but our oven gets hotter than it says)....

Burnt. fml

as a married person

Through my eyes

I absolutely love being married. It has been such an adventure! Al and I have, I think, a very interesting relationship... not like many (or any other) married couple I know. We spend most of our week apart (school, friends, work, working out, reading at the Tree, girl's night, lab night...). We are two fully functional, independent people. He goes out with the guys, no questions asked.. and the same for me when I stay out till 3 a.m (we need to go to homebar/green elephant more often!). Its like we are just dating again, but living behind the same door and sharing the same foods. One thing I can say about Al and I is that we literally share all responsibilities with respect to the apartment. I wasted a lot of heartburns worrying about who would vacuum, do the dishes, get the groceries... Silly me! We really are a partnership. I think the American culture should drop the terms "wife" and "husband" and go with the Oak Lawn community and start saying "life partners." When people ask and I share about how Al and I interact and support each other, some say he takes on a lot of the "feminine" roles, but I disagree and say that we both are participating in this journey called Life and are both doing things needed for survival. If he didn't cook, we'd starve! :) Seriously though, I'd boldly say that Al and I don't acknowledge or participate in stereotypical roles that we grew up to think was "normal." Without a second thought, we do all we can to support, respect, encourage, and love each other no matter the task. I couldn't ask for a better partner in life.

Though his family's eyes

Disclaimer: This is only my point of view and what I believe is right for me and for Alex. I believe people can and should have the right to choose how they'd like to live, think, act, and behave. These are only my observations and interpretations and not necessarily true to their intentions.

Al and I took a quick trip up to Tulsa Sunday through Tuesday after Christmas. It was my first white Christmas. A foot of snow. Gently covering every inch of the city. It was beautiful! Every time we visit his family (all 9,000 of them) we are reminded that other couples live with different expectations. Many of which are "unfamiliar" with equal partnership and would either dislike the idea or be envious of such an experience. As we opened presents from his family, his grandparents in particular, I was surprise to see what we each were given though I am so grateful for all the wonderful gifts his family graciously gave. Let's start with his mom's parents: Nene and Papa. I love them like they were my own grandparents. They are so silly.... We each were given a cooking apron and a cookbook. His, of course, was black, simple, and had big bold letters "KING OF THE GRILL." Mine, however, was pink, had frills (it really was kind of cute) except that it had words that I'd never thought I'd be described as.... "Domestic Diva" Hehe. It was cute. They really liked giving us the aprons.

We finished opening the rest of the presents and everyone is still sitting around the tree with us. This grandfather stands up, grabs a paper sack, and comes up to me and says, "Here, Angellia. Here's a bag for you to pack up all of your and Alex's gifts." It really wasn't a big deal, but I was just kind of taken back... Heck. Alex can pack his own stuff up. :)

Then came dinner. It was made pretty clear that the girls were to get dinner ready while the boys go sit at the table and wait for us. Fine. After dinner, boys were told by Papa to go into the living room to watch tv while the girls get everything cleaned up and ready to go (leftovers). Okay fine.

These things really aren't a big deal...nothing I'd hadn't seen before... but it just seamed strange. Why couldn't everyone help clean up? It would go much faster....? Whatever.

Then the funniest thing happened. As we were leaving Nene and Papa's house, we had quite a few bags of presents (that I packed...) so I asked Alex is he'd grab a few that I couldn't carry. No big deal. Al's dad then said, "Alex, you'd better do what the wife says. The woman has imminent domain. Take care of your bride." Hold on! I'm so confused. Things just aren't adding up.... the whole time it seemed like I had to "take care of" Alex.... hmmm

Leaving their house I wasn't sure what to think. I know I'm taking things too seriously and interpreting things too literally.... but there it is. I'd like to move on and think nothing of it, but for some reason I can't. My dilemma is that I want people (myself included) to be happy. I want relationships to be healthy, loving, respectful... I just want others to experience what a true life partnership if like....

But I shouldn't say those things... who I am to say they don't have that already? Who am I say to say these things only being married for less than 5 months. Silly me...

Silly me.