naivativity

As I try to figure out what God is doing with my life, I have to wonder what is the most important thing about this life. What does everything boil down to? Where are the roots of all things good and holy?

Love. Love. Love.

There's nothing greater. God is all about Love. Jesus is all about Love. We all are striving for love, from the creative Creator, from each other, from ourselves.

I've got a new perspective and I like it.

Phil 1:9 And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight...

How do I know love? How do I know love in real knowledge and discernment?

My boss reminds me that I have a bleeding heart. I pray that my heart would continue to bleed for the homeless, the victims in Iraq, the LGBT community, my co-workers, my husband, my neighbors, the poor, weak, and vulnerable...

Call me naive. But notice that I've got a joy that I pray is contagious.

Roots grow stronger in the winter

Today, it was 55F when I woke up and the high is 78F. The weather is perfect in big D. This is the weather we complain of never seeing. Perfect.

In a few weeks, the weather will change. Storms, winds, chilly days, but not like Georgia or Mongolia, but still Dallas cold can be tough to get through with the humidity and wind. Things will change. Winter will come soon enough.

I hope the same for my spiritual life. To be honest (completely honest) I’ve forgotten intimacy with the Lord. I’m lost in complacency. I’ve lost the pursuit of finding and experiencing God. I have drifted away from the cant-stop-thinking-about, head-over-heels, in love with the one who has made me all that I am. It is very strange to me to think about the great decisions I have made and not remember why I made them or to whom to credit the success.

Its time for change. It is time to go back to my foundation and remind myself why I am who I am and what God has intended for me to be and do. Acknowledge, evaluate, repent, forgive, love, pursue, be set-apart

Roots grow stronger.

Roots grow stronger in the winter.

I will remain.

I will remain confident in this.

leaving but staying

It was hard being on campus today. I sat in front of Dallas Hall near the fountain thinking of how my life has changed and much I love SMU and what SMU represented. 5 years ago I had no idea what college would be like. High school was easy so college must be no.big.deal. I didn't know a soul in Dallas and now I was throwing myself into a world of polos, cars a fashion style, and clothes with things like alligators and words like vitton luis on them.

I drove my 1991 Lexus into Dallas via Hwy 80 (I had never drove on the interstate until August 2005!) with my car full of Target bedding and country decorations.... everything red and blue for SMU and Texas. Bluebonnets, a lasso, two pairs of cowboy boots, cowhide belt. Bring it on SMU!

Over the next 4 years, I was no longer the boot wearin', southern baptist chauvinist, anti-alcohol, little quiet girl... Thank God! Who'd knew I'd attend an Obama watch party, enjoy my women's study course, stay in the city and love it!, buy a hybrid, attend coffee dates and girls nights, stay out to 2 pm dancing (yikes!)....

I have met the most wonderful people at SMU! My life has been touched and transformed by so many. I am so blessed to see how God has used everyone of you in a very specific way in my life to make me who I am today. As I sat near the fountain thinking of who I was 5 years ago, I never though I'd come to this moment. "I'll just become a math teacher and get a degree from some junior college back home if I can't make it..." I'm graduating with my MASTERS on Saturday!!!

As I looked around, memories were everywhere. McFarlin for the SNL show, the silly relationship 'ask to kiss' lecture. Fondren for the many hours in the West Stacks, finding Katrina camped out in the corner. Dallas Hall for those awful calculus courses (that I rocked!!), Celebration of Lights, and the where Alex asked me one of the most beautiful questions. Fondren Science where I spent so much time working for the physics department for the crazy, pack-rat. Umphrey Lee for so many breakfasts with Osman. I'll miss those meals!

Binkelys... oh the binkleys. The bugs, the heat, the gross dish dryer on the counter. I loved that apartment. As the students move out of their dorms, I missed dumpster diving with Katrina and stealing from the Goodwill truck... yes, yes we did and I still wear some of those shorts and jackets. :D

Embrey, oh the hours, the days, the nights in the CAD lab. I studied in there yesterday and it just wasn't the same. I needed the boys and Jenna to be there. Oh I miss the boys.

It was great to sit and think of the how wonderful life is and how glad I was for going to college.

I'll miss SMU. I'll always remember what a difference it can make when you become vulnerable and free of the should be.

Lately...

I'm super swamped with school these days so blogging had to go. Sorry about that. Here are a few pictures from Panimacac. Someday, I'll type out the stories of the trip just so to have a record. Next blog should be after May 15th... or shall I say after I have a Master's degree!

Panimacac

Panimacac - Friday Prep

On Saturday, 6:30 a.m., I will be on my way to Central America!!! (Actually that will be 3:30 in the morning as I need to be at DFW at 4a.m.)

When: Saturday 6:30 a.m. - Friday 10 p.m.

Where: Panimacac, Guatemala; About 2.5 hours northwest of Guatemala City. 40 minutes North of Comalapa.

Purpose: To assess the village's water source and distribution. Survey and plan for potential new distribution and/or water treatment. Perform health surveys to link health issues to water borne diseases. Do anything else necessary to better the lives of the people of Panimacac.

The team: My advisor Jim, 2 professionals Jon and Phuc, myself, Mary (Environmental Engr working with me on my reactors), Andrea (translator and mechanical engineer), and Michael (Civil Engr who also works in the lab).

Village/Villagers: Small village of 50 families. 100% indigenous. 92% with 6th grade or below education. Each family has an average of 16 animals. There is 1 small school house. Nearest hospital is in Comalapa which is ONLY an emergency hospital. The emergency line is Guatemala is 128, but I'm not sure if Comalapa has an ambulance. Most of the children have runny noses. A lot of the adults have diarrhea, diabetes, a cough, and frequent stomach pains and headaches.

Things we will bring that is out of the ordinary for a typical "vacation" or "spring break": beakers, pipettes, petrifilms (to measure e-coli and total coliform), nitrate test strips, arsenic equipment, hot hands to somehow make an incubator, waterproof notebooks, GPS for coordinates and elevations, hand held augers, string for surveying... 100 pepto pills.

Where we are staying: The first and last night we are staying at Comalapa hotel. We will be sleeping, the other nights, in the one-room school house on the floor... all of us in one room... for 4-5 nights, 24/7 together all the time. :) Privacy is a no-can-do on this trip. Also, I'd like to note we will not have showers while we are in the village. No running water anywhere.

Food: The villagers have expressed their interest in making all of our meals. So wonderful! We are taking snacks and will buy food once we get to Comalapa to try and not be such a burden on the community... and to hopefully prevent some illnesses. We will eat with the village for most of our dinners, I assume.

I won't have internet access but I'll be taking notes as I would if I had my computer so I'll update daily when I get back.

My only concern is all the earthquakes. We have traveling insurance that covers evacuation costs if worst-comes-to-worst. We'll be okay though. We're engineers, right? We'll figure it out... I hope.

I'm so excited to get there, work, and really just to come back. It will be an awesome trip but I have a feeling I'll look forward to having a hot shower and a bed and a good 'ole greasy american hamburger.

See you when I get back!

life.is.good. continued

life.is.still.good

The carpet was recently replaced on the floor of our lab as of Saturday. I look the liberty to fulfill/prove Murphy's Law by spilling 24 gallons of water onto it... It was from my influent to my reactors. embarrassing.but.surprising.hilarious.

Time I spend with Jamila and her face when I gave her Get-Well-Tiger-Lillies. priceless.

life.is.very.good.

life.is.good.

Lately, I feel like my life goes back and forth between awesome and horrible. Okay I'm being dramatic, but here it goes. I had my first panic/stress attack which resulted in getting sick all Friday night and waking up with this horrible rash on my face. gross.and. embarrassing. At the same time, Christian told me last night that she really likes that we are friends and that she loves to talk with me about stuff.warms.my.heart.

Alex will call me when I'm up at the lab and ask me when he's going to see me next in the sweetest voice. sad.but.knowing.i'm.loved.is.so.wonderful. I'm leaving the lab and Jim is like, where are you going? like I'm not supposed to be leaving/I'm supposed to give him a reason for leaving. feeling. trapped.

Mary and I made this AWESOME plan for my experiments to get it done before I graduate. Basically, we were going to make our lives hell for one-two weeks and get some awesome data and be done with our reactors. We were so excited to show Jim our plan... typed out in Word... all the vials and equipment labeled... everything planned so well to the seconds and minutes. so.happy.and.proud.of.ourselves. We thought, Jim will be so proud! ---- This plan just won't work, we hear. You are just rushing it. You just can't. You need to think about it more. Just think about it, he says. shot.down.without.hope.

I wake up thinking this will be great day, but it ends up being pretty crappy. But, as Jenna and I talked about at our last girl's night... the bad overcomes the good, of course. Its easier to talk about the bad.. to complain... to rant... to remember. Especially when it comes to our relationships, its just weird and awkward to talk about the good and awesome with others.

The benefits of a blog: I can write about all the good and not watch the expression of, "That's great but what am I supposed to do with this information??"

some of the good

Today, Jenna brought me the most delicious manicotti and salad that she handmade. Actually, our girl's nights are so wonderful, every time! Full of home-made delicious food, wine, chocolate and a fantastic movie. Top it off with conversations that make us wonder why we never hung out during the 4 years we knew each other. makes.my.day.

In the mornings before Alex leaves for work, he pulls the covers over me gently as I pretend to be asleep. so.sweet.

Mary bought me a Dr. Pepper over the weekend and put it in the fridge at school. couldn't.have.come.at.a.better.time.

Christian's sisters text and call me every now and again asking me if they can hang out with us when I take Christian out. i.signed.up.to.get.one.friend.and.got.3.

The news of Jamila getting into Claremont and UCSB and major possibilities of full-ride scholarships, TA positions, fellowships! so.proud.of.her.

Gina (my aunt and Allison's mom) just got out of jail/rehab and is at home, healthy as she has ever been, hugging her daughter for the first time in almost a year! change.is.possible.

life.is.good.

Failing to notice that I fail to notice

It disturbs me to think I remember nothing about my childhood. I blame myself, my quiet, solically awkward personality... my parents. I try not to regret anything, but I do regret that my parents gave me too much independence and rarely asked any questions: How are you? What's going on at school? How was volleyball practice? Boys? Are you thinking about college?

However, I realize I'm not alone. When we "remember" events, grade school, family vacations, we can only describe maybe a few events (we traveled by car to see my aunt... I played tee ball in the nearby town... I snuck (sneaked) out of my house to see a boy...) as well as the general emotion (it was a great trip!... I had a lot of fun!... Best year ever!...) To remember, we must recall ever moment, event, conversation, emotion. This is merely impossible.

I think our inability to "remember" everything not only applies to our childhood but to the present as well. What did you do this weekend? Why does it take a few minutes to remind ourselves of things that happened 2 days ago?

The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds. - R.D. Laing

When reading a book, don't you hate it when you've skipped a few pages/paragraphs and totally can't remember a thing it says? We've read those paragraphs... we just don't know it. We've experienced "reading" but just are aware of the words.

Deja vue?

This is a part of the reason why I've started this blog. Its easy for me to block out times and events, especially if its an unpleasant or unwanted experience. This is my attempt to be aware of my life. Its my attempt to be more sensitive of others. So often I fail to notice my shortcomings, my selfishness, my own brokenness. Shamefully, I find myself purposefully failing to notice the hurts of others, the burdens, the depression, the injustice.

I can no longer let failing to notice or that I fail to notice that I fail to notice be an excuse.

Liberation

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is out light, not our darkness, that most frighten us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We all are meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within is. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson

Angellia the anit-Chef

I always knew I couldn't cook... much. I just had the worst experience. I'm so proud of E who can bake so many delicious goods without ingredients she's usually would require... I'm so impressed with K's ability to well... eat Georgian food. :) The same stuff over and over and over again... I'm always amazed at J's house dinners where she cooks for 4+ people and its never hamburger helper or hamburgers... its stuffed banana peppers or eggplant lasagna - made from scratch... probably food she got from the Farmer's Market!

As for me, I have a hard time cooking for 1 or 2 people with simple things coming out of a bag or box. Take cornbread for example. It all started around 6pm today. You are supposed to have black eyed peas and cornbread for good luck for the New Year(Granny says so). So I decided tonight was a good night for some good luck. The peas were easy. Can. The cornbread should have been easy. Bag. Add 1 egg and 2/3 cup of milk (which I stopped by the grocery to get some for this purpose).

Preheated the over. Mixed everything up. Greased pan. Poured into pan. Oven is ready. Open oven door. Before I knew it: cornbread mix all over the floor, oven, oven door, and pots underneath the oven. Crap.

Angry at myself, I waited for the oven to cool off and 30 minutes later, no more cornbread mix.

As any East Texas girl would, I had an extra cornbread packet on hand. Same routine. Now, the oven is ready. Carefully, I placed the pan into the oven.... 13 minutes later (the bag said 15 minutes, but our oven gets hotter than it says)....

Burnt. fml

as a married person

Through my eyes

I absolutely love being married. It has been such an adventure! Al and I have, I think, a very interesting relationship... not like many (or any other) married couple I know. We spend most of our week apart (school, friends, work, working out, reading at the Tree, girl's night, lab night...). We are two fully functional, independent people. He goes out with the guys, no questions asked.. and the same for me when I stay out till 3 a.m (we need to go to homebar/green elephant more often!). Its like we are just dating again, but living behind the same door and sharing the same foods. One thing I can say about Al and I is that we literally share all responsibilities with respect to the apartment. I wasted a lot of heartburns worrying about who would vacuum, do the dishes, get the groceries... Silly me! We really are a partnership. I think the American culture should drop the terms "wife" and "husband" and go with the Oak Lawn community and start saying "life partners." When people ask and I share about how Al and I interact and support each other, some say he takes on a lot of the "feminine" roles, but I disagree and say that we both are participating in this journey called Life and are both doing things needed for survival. If he didn't cook, we'd starve! :) Seriously though, I'd boldly say that Al and I don't acknowledge or participate in stereotypical roles that we grew up to think was "normal." Without a second thought, we do all we can to support, respect, encourage, and love each other no matter the task. I couldn't ask for a better partner in life.

Though his family's eyes

Disclaimer: This is only my point of view and what I believe is right for me and for Alex. I believe people can and should have the right to choose how they'd like to live, think, act, and behave. These are only my observations and interpretations and not necessarily true to their intentions.

Al and I took a quick trip up to Tulsa Sunday through Tuesday after Christmas. It was my first white Christmas. A foot of snow. Gently covering every inch of the city. It was beautiful! Every time we visit his family (all 9,000 of them) we are reminded that other couples live with different expectations. Many of which are "unfamiliar" with equal partnership and would either dislike the idea or be envious of such an experience. As we opened presents from his family, his grandparents in particular, I was surprise to see what we each were given though I am so grateful for all the wonderful gifts his family graciously gave. Let's start with his mom's parents: Nene and Papa. I love them like they were my own grandparents. They are so silly.... We each were given a cooking apron and a cookbook. His, of course, was black, simple, and had big bold letters "KING OF THE GRILL." Mine, however, was pink, had frills (it really was kind of cute) except that it had words that I'd never thought I'd be described as.... "Domestic Diva" Hehe. It was cute. They really liked giving us the aprons.

We finished opening the rest of the presents and everyone is still sitting around the tree with us. This grandfather stands up, grabs a paper sack, and comes up to me and says, "Here, Angellia. Here's a bag for you to pack up all of your and Alex's gifts." It really wasn't a big deal, but I was just kind of taken back... Heck. Alex can pack his own stuff up. :)

Then came dinner. It was made pretty clear that the girls were to get dinner ready while the boys go sit at the table and wait for us. Fine. After dinner, boys were told by Papa to go into the living room to watch tv while the girls get everything cleaned up and ready to go (leftovers). Okay fine.

These things really aren't a big deal...nothing I'd hadn't seen before... but it just seamed strange. Why couldn't everyone help clean up? It would go much faster....? Whatever.

Then the funniest thing happened. As we were leaving Nene and Papa's house, we had quite a few bags of presents (that I packed...) so I asked Alex is he'd grab a few that I couldn't carry. No big deal. Al's dad then said, "Alex, you'd better do what the wife says. The woman has imminent domain. Take care of your bride." Hold on! I'm so confused. Things just aren't adding up.... the whole time it seemed like I had to "take care of" Alex.... hmmm

Leaving their house I wasn't sure what to think. I know I'm taking things too seriously and interpreting things too literally.... but there it is. I'd like to move on and think nothing of it, but for some reason I can't. My dilemma is that I want people (myself included) to be happy. I want relationships to be healthy, loving, respectful... I just want others to experience what a true life partnership if like....

But I shouldn't say those things... who I am to say they don't have that already? Who am I say to say these things only being married for less than 5 months. Silly me...

Silly me.