Failing to notice that I fail to notice

It disturbs me to think I remember nothing about my childhood. I blame myself, my quiet, solically awkward personality... my parents. I try not to regret anything, but I do regret that my parents gave me too much independence and rarely asked any questions: How are you? What's going on at school? How was volleyball practice? Boys? Are you thinking about college?

However, I realize I'm not alone. When we "remember" events, grade school, family vacations, we can only describe maybe a few events (we traveled by car to see my aunt... I played tee ball in the nearby town... I snuck (sneaked) out of my house to see a boy...) as well as the general emotion (it was a great trip!... I had a lot of fun!... Best year ever!...) To remember, we must recall ever moment, event, conversation, emotion. This is merely impossible.

I think our inability to "remember" everything not only applies to our childhood but to the present as well. What did you do this weekend? Why does it take a few minutes to remind ourselves of things that happened 2 days ago?

The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds. - R.D. Laing

When reading a book, don't you hate it when you've skipped a few pages/paragraphs and totally can't remember a thing it says? We've read those paragraphs... we just don't know it. We've experienced "reading" but just are aware of the words.

Deja vue?

This is a part of the reason why I've started this blog. Its easy for me to block out times and events, especially if its an unpleasant or unwanted experience. This is my attempt to be aware of my life. Its my attempt to be more sensitive of others. So often I fail to notice my shortcomings, my selfishness, my own brokenness. Shamefully, I find myself purposefully failing to notice the hurts of others, the burdens, the depression, the injustice.

I can no longer let failing to notice or that I fail to notice that I fail to notice be an excuse.

Liberation

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is out light, not our darkness, that most frighten us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We all are meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within is. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson

Angellia the anit-Chef

I always knew I couldn't cook... much. I just had the worst experience. I'm so proud of E who can bake so many delicious goods without ingredients she's usually would require... I'm so impressed with K's ability to well... eat Georgian food. :) The same stuff over and over and over again... I'm always amazed at J's house dinners where she cooks for 4+ people and its never hamburger helper or hamburgers... its stuffed banana peppers or eggplant lasagna - made from scratch... probably food she got from the Farmer's Market!

As for me, I have a hard time cooking for 1 or 2 people with simple things coming out of a bag or box. Take cornbread for example. It all started around 6pm today. You are supposed to have black eyed peas and cornbread for good luck for the New Year(Granny says so). So I decided tonight was a good night for some good luck. The peas were easy. Can. The cornbread should have been easy. Bag. Add 1 egg and 2/3 cup of milk (which I stopped by the grocery to get some for this purpose).

Preheated the over. Mixed everything up. Greased pan. Poured into pan. Oven is ready. Open oven door. Before I knew it: cornbread mix all over the floor, oven, oven door, and pots underneath the oven. Crap.

Angry at myself, I waited for the oven to cool off and 30 minutes later, no more cornbread mix.

As any East Texas girl would, I had an extra cornbread packet on hand. Same routine. Now, the oven is ready. Carefully, I placed the pan into the oven.... 13 minutes later (the bag said 15 minutes, but our oven gets hotter than it says)....

Burnt. fml

as a married person

Through my eyes

I absolutely love being married. It has been such an adventure! Al and I have, I think, a very interesting relationship... not like many (or any other) married couple I know. We spend most of our week apart (school, friends, work, working out, reading at the Tree, girl's night, lab night...). We are two fully functional, independent people. He goes out with the guys, no questions asked.. and the same for me when I stay out till 3 a.m (we need to go to homebar/green elephant more often!). Its like we are just dating again, but living behind the same door and sharing the same foods. One thing I can say about Al and I is that we literally share all responsibilities with respect to the apartment. I wasted a lot of heartburns worrying about who would vacuum, do the dishes, get the groceries... Silly me! We really are a partnership. I think the American culture should drop the terms "wife" and "husband" and go with the Oak Lawn community and start saying "life partners." When people ask and I share about how Al and I interact and support each other, some say he takes on a lot of the "feminine" roles, but I disagree and say that we both are participating in this journey called Life and are both doing things needed for survival. If he didn't cook, we'd starve! :) Seriously though, I'd boldly say that Al and I don't acknowledge or participate in stereotypical roles that we grew up to think was "normal." Without a second thought, we do all we can to support, respect, encourage, and love each other no matter the task. I couldn't ask for a better partner in life.

Though his family's eyes

Disclaimer: This is only my point of view and what I believe is right for me and for Alex. I believe people can and should have the right to choose how they'd like to live, think, act, and behave. These are only my observations and interpretations and not necessarily true to their intentions.

Al and I took a quick trip up to Tulsa Sunday through Tuesday after Christmas. It was my first white Christmas. A foot of snow. Gently covering every inch of the city. It was beautiful! Every time we visit his family (all 9,000 of them) we are reminded that other couples live with different expectations. Many of which are "unfamiliar" with equal partnership and would either dislike the idea or be envious of such an experience. As we opened presents from his family, his grandparents in particular, I was surprise to see what we each were given though I am so grateful for all the wonderful gifts his family graciously gave. Let's start with his mom's parents: Nene and Papa. I love them like they were my own grandparents. They are so silly.... We each were given a cooking apron and a cookbook. His, of course, was black, simple, and had big bold letters "KING OF THE GRILL." Mine, however, was pink, had frills (it really was kind of cute) except that it had words that I'd never thought I'd be described as.... "Domestic Diva" Hehe. It was cute. They really liked giving us the aprons.

We finished opening the rest of the presents and everyone is still sitting around the tree with us. This grandfather stands up, grabs a paper sack, and comes up to me and says, "Here, Angellia. Here's a bag for you to pack up all of your and Alex's gifts." It really wasn't a big deal, but I was just kind of taken back... Heck. Alex can pack his own stuff up. :)

Then came dinner. It was made pretty clear that the girls were to get dinner ready while the boys go sit at the table and wait for us. Fine. After dinner, boys were told by Papa to go into the living room to watch tv while the girls get everything cleaned up and ready to go (leftovers). Okay fine.

These things really aren't a big deal...nothing I'd hadn't seen before... but it just seamed strange. Why couldn't everyone help clean up? It would go much faster....? Whatever.

Then the funniest thing happened. As we were leaving Nene and Papa's house, we had quite a few bags of presents (that I packed...) so I asked Alex is he'd grab a few that I couldn't carry. No big deal. Al's dad then said, "Alex, you'd better do what the wife says. The woman has imminent domain. Take care of your bride." Hold on! I'm so confused. Things just aren't adding up.... the whole time it seemed like I had to "take care of" Alex.... hmmm

Leaving their house I wasn't sure what to think. I know I'm taking things too seriously and interpreting things too literally.... but there it is. I'd like to move on and think nothing of it, but for some reason I can't. My dilemma is that I want people (myself included) to be happy. I want relationships to be healthy, loving, respectful... I just want others to experience what a true life partnership if like....

But I shouldn't say those things... who I am to say they don't have that already? Who am I say to say these things only being married for less than 5 months. Silly me...

Silly me.

I got the job!!!

What an awesome feeling being 6 months ahead of the curve! Freese and Nichols (FNI) offered me a great job with even better benefits (which sort of means more to me than the actual job, in cases like health insurance). I will start July 2010. Whoowoo! They are located in the beautiful West End next to TGIFriday's.

Change

Now is a time of change.

Moving from student life to the work force (At least, that's the goal. Interview is scheduled for Friday 10 a.m.)

Clashing of family traditions. He likes the artificial tree (thanks Katrina) and I like a real tree. Btw. Funny story about the real tree. I took Al, Jenna, and Cal out to the tree farm to cut our own tree down. I absolutely love the smell of a real Virginia Pine. This tree farm had 3 different trees: Virginia Pine, Leyland Cypress and something else that I can't remember. We got out there and Jenna picked a V. Pine and I really like the feel of the Leyland Cypress. Alex loved the third tree type. I thought his pick was too pokey and greyish. But, Alex liked its shape. Well in the end, we went with my pick (Cypress) since this was my family tradition of having a real tree. So, I cut down the tree and carried it back to the barn.

Well, we get back to little red barn and the rancher said, "Have you ever had a Leyland Cypress?"

"No, we usually get the V. Pine."

Rancher says, "Well you're in luck. The Cypress is a hypoallergenic tree so if you are allergic, you don't have to worry because it won't put out a scent. That pokey type smells the best though. You'll love the Cypress though!"

Alex just stands there and nods with this "I told you so" face.

And! I look down at my arms and they are covered in a itchy red rash! Hypoallergenic my a**.

On to more changes:

My friendships.

More of Jenna

Less of Drew. Never though economic differences would separate us. That story to come soon once I get my thoughts together.

My Identity.

Name

Initials

Signature

To who I think I am to who I need to be, who I am designed to be. Thanks Erin. Gosh, your blog couldn't have come at a better time. Oceans may separate us but your wisdom is so near.

Interviewing really makes you think about who you are and having to describe yourself in 5 minutes or less... so difficult! (Because what you do is not who you are)

My priorities.

I used to be such a great student. I'm skipping classes, getting bad grades on hwk. But really, I'm happier. I love my husband, my friends (near and far), my job (the lab is so fun. Much better than sitting at a desk 40 hours a week!), my thesis, my advisor, the changes.

Change is good (to be cliche). It is challenging me, making me grow, humbling me, making me more self aware, making me wiser.... and making me miss more and more Erin and Katrina and even Jam (good luck on that GRE! Afterwards, we must celebrate). :)

Generic Update

I told you I was bad at this. I should really follow up on my blog more often. Oh well.

So here's life.

Thanksgiving as a married person.
Since I'm running my reactors 24 hours a day, I have daily responsibilities that I must do in order to complete my thesis. Every 12 hours I have to empty the effluent (the stuff coming out of the reactors) and I have to make new influent every 24 hours (every day at 3pm exactly). The effluent is flexible so I do it around 9-10 am every morning and again at 8-10pm every night. Its really not bad, but when it comes to holidays, it sucks. So, point is that I must do these things on Thanksgiving. Alex and I are spending Thanksgiving "alone" because of the reactors. I'm okay with it, because at least I'm spending the holiday with my new family: Alex. However, I am sad that I don't get to have the traditional thanksgiving that I'm used to: Turkey, Dressing (or stuffing if this is Erin or Kat reading this), 10 different pies, board games, shopping with my mom, etc... I am, though, excited about spending time with Alex. We haven't decided what we are actually going to do on that day but here are some of our options:
1) I run the turkey trot in downtown
2) We volunteer at food kitchen
3) do nothing
4) Watch football... joy

For food, well... I can't really cook anything other than mac-n-cheese and I'm not sure if Al really wants to make a turkey. We may try to catch Eatzi's or Whole Foods for our thanksgiving meal.

One thing I am excited about it started our own traditions as a family. His mom keeps telling us to take lots of pictures, regardless of what we decide to do because traditions will be made without us knowing.

Job hunting:
Its about that time again. I feel like I just started graduate school and now I have to be planning for the next step. I really do love grad school. I absolutely love being in the lab, using lab equipment, putting on gloves 8 times a day, wearing a lab coat (that is 4 times too big for me), wearing safety glasses so not to get chemicals in my eyes, gosh i love the hands on experience. I have learned more in these last few months than I did my 4 years in undergrad! I don't want to move on... but I know I need to.
SO here's how to job situation is panning out:
The market for engineers is the worst its ever been! Its going to be tough. But, with a master's degree and all that goes with it (plus the awards from the senior design project)I am much more marketable. But, remember when I interviewed with Freese and Nichols (FNI) last year in West End? Well I didn't get an offer from them. Also, remember when I went down to Galveston to compete in the Senior Design Competition? Well its a small world... One of the judges at the competition, Leon, worked for FNI. He took the position I applied for. He was much more qualified as he has a PhD! So, I talked with him at the conference and such. Nice guy. That was in April. In June, he contacted me and my advisor, Jimmy (Dr. Yu). He heard I was doing work at SMU with biofilm reactors and since his PhD was in biomembranes (a biofilm technology), he wanted to help out and get some additional research done... to benefit my thesis and FNI. So, I've been working closely with Leon ever since. Awesome guy! A few weeks ago, he brought up the FNI interview that I did in April. He told me why they chose him over me and such (basically, they sensed I couldn't commit... they were right). He asked me if I was interested in FNI, again.
I struggled with this idea for about a week. How embarrassing would be to interview again? Would it look too desperate for the job? I'm still the same general person now and I was in April... what if they turned me down again!? How awful!

But, I decided, I need to keep my options open. I need to humble myself and realize that I need a job, regardless of what or where it is. Their office is in West End, really close to my apartement... they do do technical work in wastewater... gosh. The only thing it is a all male office. They have 1 female engineer. They are a bunch of "good-ole boys".... all are married with kids and all their wives stay home. Not sure of what their views are of women, but I'm sure I can guess.

So, I told Leon my concerns and the conversation ended with: Sure, I'd love to interview. That was Tueday.

Thursday:
I attended a monthly meeting for wastewater engineers (lame, I know) called Water Environment Association of Texas. All of the DFW wastewater engineers come to network, hear a technical speaker, eat, and get free beer. This time it was of course, at that silly cowboy's stadium. I met Leon there with a lot of other FNI people. Leon invited me to go to get to know some of the FNI people to see if I could potentially work with them. I met them, everything went very well... I'm good at small talk with people I don't know. Surprising (I know). Basically, after the meeting, Leon said that the hiring engineer said that he would call me early this week (tomorrow or Tuesday) and set me up with an interview. IF the interview goes well, Leon said that he (Leon) and his wife, the hiring engineer (David) and his wife, would take Alex and me out to dinner that night... very strange, I think. I think they are wanted to sell me the company as a "family" place. I think its just weird. Alex is not being interviewed, I am. Haha, oh well.

So that's the major things going on in my life right now. I'll let you know how the job thing goes. I'm trying not to get too excited for something I don't have yet, but man, if I got the job thing settled now... just think of how stress free my life would be the closer it gets to publishing! I'm excited about FNI. I like Leon and if I could work with him, I'd be veeerry happy! Plus, I would not only be a lame consulting engineer, but they would let me work in their lab and at the SMU lab for additional research!! Soooo cool!

In other news, I've been going through the 1100+ wedding photos. Here are just a few of my favorites:

Getting ready to walk through the green grass

My handsome man

precious

The girls