leaving but staying

It was hard being on campus today. I sat in front of Dallas Hall near the fountain thinking of how my life has changed and much I love SMU and what SMU represented. 5 years ago I had no idea what college would be like. High school was easy so college must be no.big.deal. I didn't know a soul in Dallas and now I was throwing myself into a world of polos, cars a fashion style, and clothes with things like alligators and words like vitton luis on them.

I drove my 1991 Lexus into Dallas via Hwy 80 (I had never drove on the interstate until August 2005!) with my car full of Target bedding and country decorations.... everything red and blue for SMU and Texas. Bluebonnets, a lasso, two pairs of cowboy boots, cowhide belt. Bring it on SMU!

Over the next 4 years, I was no longer the boot wearin', southern baptist chauvinist, anti-alcohol, little quiet girl... Thank God! Who'd knew I'd attend an Obama watch party, enjoy my women's study course, stay in the city and love it!, buy a hybrid, attend coffee dates and girls nights, stay out to 2 pm dancing (yikes!)....

I have met the most wonderful people at SMU! My life has been touched and transformed by so many. I am so blessed to see how God has used everyone of you in a very specific way in my life to make me who I am today. As I sat near the fountain thinking of who I was 5 years ago, I never though I'd come to this moment. "I'll just become a math teacher and get a degree from some junior college back home if I can't make it..." I'm graduating with my MASTERS on Saturday!!!

As I looked around, memories were everywhere. McFarlin for the SNL show, the silly relationship 'ask to kiss' lecture. Fondren for the many hours in the West Stacks, finding Katrina camped out in the corner. Dallas Hall for those awful calculus courses (that I rocked!!), Celebration of Lights, and the where Alex asked me one of the most beautiful questions. Fondren Science where I spent so much time working for the physics department for the crazy, pack-rat. Umphrey Lee for so many breakfasts with Osman. I'll miss those meals!

Binkelys... oh the binkleys. The bugs, the heat, the gross dish dryer on the counter. I loved that apartment. As the students move out of their dorms, I missed dumpster diving with Katrina and stealing from the Goodwill truck... yes, yes we did and I still wear some of those shorts and jackets. :D

Embrey, oh the hours, the days, the nights in the CAD lab. I studied in there yesterday and it just wasn't the same. I needed the boys and Jenna to be there. Oh I miss the boys.

It was great to sit and think of the how wonderful life is and how glad I was for going to college.

I'll miss SMU. I'll always remember what a difference it can make when you become vulnerable and free of the should be.

Lately...

I'm super swamped with school these days so blogging had to go. Sorry about that. Here are a few pictures from Panimacac. Someday, I'll type out the stories of the trip just so to have a record. Next blog should be after May 15th... or shall I say after I have a Master's degree!

Panimacac

Panimacac - Friday Prep

On Saturday, 6:30 a.m., I will be on my way to Central America!!! (Actually that will be 3:30 in the morning as I need to be at DFW at 4a.m.)

When: Saturday 6:30 a.m. - Friday 10 p.m.

Where: Panimacac, Guatemala; About 2.5 hours northwest of Guatemala City. 40 minutes North of Comalapa.

Purpose: To assess the village's water source and distribution. Survey and plan for potential new distribution and/or water treatment. Perform health surveys to link health issues to water borne diseases. Do anything else necessary to better the lives of the people of Panimacac.

The team: My advisor Jim, 2 professionals Jon and Phuc, myself, Mary (Environmental Engr working with me on my reactors), Andrea (translator and mechanical engineer), and Michael (Civil Engr who also works in the lab).

Village/Villagers: Small village of 50 families. 100% indigenous. 92% with 6th grade or below education. Each family has an average of 16 animals. There is 1 small school house. Nearest hospital is in Comalapa which is ONLY an emergency hospital. The emergency line is Guatemala is 128, but I'm not sure if Comalapa has an ambulance. Most of the children have runny noses. A lot of the adults have diarrhea, diabetes, a cough, and frequent stomach pains and headaches.

Things we will bring that is out of the ordinary for a typical "vacation" or "spring break": beakers, pipettes, petrifilms (to measure e-coli and total coliform), nitrate test strips, arsenic equipment, hot hands to somehow make an incubator, waterproof notebooks, GPS for coordinates and elevations, hand held augers, string for surveying... 100 pepto pills.

Where we are staying: The first and last night we are staying at Comalapa hotel. We will be sleeping, the other nights, in the one-room school house on the floor... all of us in one room... for 4-5 nights, 24/7 together all the time. :) Privacy is a no-can-do on this trip. Also, I'd like to note we will not have showers while we are in the village. No running water anywhere.

Food: The villagers have expressed their interest in making all of our meals. So wonderful! We are taking snacks and will buy food once we get to Comalapa to try and not be such a burden on the community... and to hopefully prevent some illnesses. We will eat with the village for most of our dinners, I assume.

I won't have internet access but I'll be taking notes as I would if I had my computer so I'll update daily when I get back.

My only concern is all the earthquakes. We have traveling insurance that covers evacuation costs if worst-comes-to-worst. We'll be okay though. We're engineers, right? We'll figure it out... I hope.

I'm so excited to get there, work, and really just to come back. It will be an awesome trip but I have a feeling I'll look forward to having a hot shower and a bed and a good 'ole greasy american hamburger.

See you when I get back!

life.is.good. continued

life.is.still.good

The carpet was recently replaced on the floor of our lab as of Saturday. I look the liberty to fulfill/prove Murphy's Law by spilling 24 gallons of water onto it... It was from my influent to my reactors. embarrassing.but.surprising.hilarious.

Time I spend with Jamila and her face when I gave her Get-Well-Tiger-Lillies. priceless.

life.is.very.good.

life.is.good.

Lately, I feel like my life goes back and forth between awesome and horrible. Okay I'm being dramatic, but here it goes. I had my first panic/stress attack which resulted in getting sick all Friday night and waking up with this horrible rash on my face. gross.and. embarrassing. At the same time, Christian told me last night that she really likes that we are friends and that she loves to talk with me about stuff.warms.my.heart.

Alex will call me when I'm up at the lab and ask me when he's going to see me next in the sweetest voice. sad.but.knowing.i'm.loved.is.so.wonderful. I'm leaving the lab and Jim is like, where are you going? like I'm not supposed to be leaving/I'm supposed to give him a reason for leaving. feeling. trapped.

Mary and I made this AWESOME plan for my experiments to get it done before I graduate. Basically, we were going to make our lives hell for one-two weeks and get some awesome data and be done with our reactors. We were so excited to show Jim our plan... typed out in Word... all the vials and equipment labeled... everything planned so well to the seconds and minutes. so.happy.and.proud.of.ourselves. We thought, Jim will be so proud! ---- This plan just won't work, we hear. You are just rushing it. You just can't. You need to think about it more. Just think about it, he says. shot.down.without.hope.

I wake up thinking this will be great day, but it ends up being pretty crappy. But, as Jenna and I talked about at our last girl's night... the bad overcomes the good, of course. Its easier to talk about the bad.. to complain... to rant... to remember. Especially when it comes to our relationships, its just weird and awkward to talk about the good and awesome with others.

The benefits of a blog: I can write about all the good and not watch the expression of, "That's great but what am I supposed to do with this information??"

some of the good

Today, Jenna brought me the most delicious manicotti and salad that she handmade. Actually, our girl's nights are so wonderful, every time! Full of home-made delicious food, wine, chocolate and a fantastic movie. Top it off with conversations that make us wonder why we never hung out during the 4 years we knew each other. makes.my.day.

In the mornings before Alex leaves for work, he pulls the covers over me gently as I pretend to be asleep. so.sweet.

Mary bought me a Dr. Pepper over the weekend and put it in the fridge at school. couldn't.have.come.at.a.better.time.

Christian's sisters text and call me every now and again asking me if they can hang out with us when I take Christian out. i.signed.up.to.get.one.friend.and.got.3.

The news of Jamila getting into Claremont and UCSB and major possibilities of full-ride scholarships, TA positions, fellowships! so.proud.of.her.

Gina (my aunt and Allison's mom) just got out of jail/rehab and is at home, healthy as she has ever been, hugging her daughter for the first time in almost a year! change.is.possible.

life.is.good.

Failing to notice that I fail to notice

It disturbs me to think I remember nothing about my childhood. I blame myself, my quiet, solically awkward personality... my parents. I try not to regret anything, but I do regret that my parents gave me too much independence and rarely asked any questions: How are you? What's going on at school? How was volleyball practice? Boys? Are you thinking about college?

However, I realize I'm not alone. When we "remember" events, grade school, family vacations, we can only describe maybe a few events (we traveled by car to see my aunt... I played tee ball in the nearby town... I snuck (sneaked) out of my house to see a boy...) as well as the general emotion (it was a great trip!... I had a lot of fun!... Best year ever!...) To remember, we must recall ever moment, event, conversation, emotion. This is merely impossible.

I think our inability to "remember" everything not only applies to our childhood but to the present as well. What did you do this weekend? Why does it take a few minutes to remind ourselves of things that happened 2 days ago?

The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice, there is little we can do to change; until we notice how failing to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds. - R.D. Laing

When reading a book, don't you hate it when you've skipped a few pages/paragraphs and totally can't remember a thing it says? We've read those paragraphs... we just don't know it. We've experienced "reading" but just are aware of the words.

Deja vue?

This is a part of the reason why I've started this blog. Its easy for me to block out times and events, especially if its an unpleasant or unwanted experience. This is my attempt to be aware of my life. Its my attempt to be more sensitive of others. So often I fail to notice my shortcomings, my selfishness, my own brokenness. Shamefully, I find myself purposefully failing to notice the hurts of others, the burdens, the depression, the injustice.

I can no longer let failing to notice or that I fail to notice that I fail to notice be an excuse.

Liberation

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is out light, not our darkness, that most frighten us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We all are meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within is. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- Marianne Williamson